Warlock Patron: The Infinite Rat
Greed. That is what drives so many warlocks to begin their journies. The want of more, whether it be of power, or wealth, or even love, is what drives spellcasters of this kind to seek otherworldly means to their ends. You, like so many before you, got greedy, and you reached out into the void of the universe, looking, searching, begging for more, and the dark forces of the universe prepared to take hold of you, to use your greed to their advantage.
The Dirty One, The Great Spirit of Trash, The Filth of All Things. The Infinite Rat has been called many things. He is the grime and the shit present in all things, and thus his understanding is truly boundless. But perhaps one of the things he understands the most is the dark path of greed. He took your outreached hand, scrambling from the darkness of selfishness, and pulled you forward into the light. He offered you the power you sought, of course, but like any patron, he had a price: humility and generosity. You will, as he did forever and not so long ago, live amongst the pests and mud and trash of this world, and learn to remain humble and kind.
You shall gain the power you seek, but if you wish to keep it, you must live as the most noble of creatures: a fuckin' rat.
Expanded Spell List
The Infinite Rat allows you to choose from an expanded list of spells when you learn a warlock spell. The following spells are added to the warlock spell list for you:
|1st||Wild Cunning*, Ray of Sickness|
|2nd||Enhance Ability, Beast Sense|
|3rd||Conjure Animals, Stinking Cloud|
|4th||Giant Insect, Guardian of Nature|
|5th||Awaken, Commune with Nature|
Embrace the Trash
When you pledge yourself to the nasty path of The Infinite Rat at 1st level, you are both cursed and empowered by the grime of the world around you. You gain some permanent physical mark of your pact with The Dirty One; a long naked tail, mangy fur, a constant fowl smell, or another similar, irreversible trait. You may also now cast the spell Speak With Animals as a warlock cantrip when speaking to rodents, insects, pests, or any animal your DM deems "gross enough".
Gift of the Juicy Cockroach
Starting at 6th level, once per long rest The Infinite Rat allows you to imbue your allies with the resilience of "just the juiciest fuckin' cockroach ya' eva' seen." As a bonus action, you may activate Gift of the Juicy Cockroach to give you and a number of creatures up to your Charisma modifier resistance to a single type of non-magical damage for one minute. Starting at 12th level, this resistance also applies to magical damage of that damage type. These resistances do not stack with other resistances gained from class features.
Gift of the Spicy Pigeon
At 10th level, your commitment to the trash and grime of the world has inspired The Infinite Rat to gift unto you all the great and terrible abilities of a "fuckin' spicy as hell pigeon." You are constantly on high alert, and thus you cannot be surprised and opportunity attacks against you are made with disadvantage. You also can, as a bonus action on your turn, summon a pair of dirty spectral pigeon wings, which give you a flying speed equal to double your movement speed. The wings last for one hour and cannot be affected by non-magical damage.
Gift of the Fuckin' Rat
When you reach the 14th level, you have worked hard in the name of repentance and generosity. You have lived among the trash and filth and shit of this world, and you have been found by The Infinite Rat to be worthy of the greatest power that can be offered: to become, as he is, part of all things. You gain a deep understanding of the goings on of the universe around you, and how it might be that you may help others avoid it's many dangers. Once per short or long rest, as a bonus action, you may activate Gift of the Fuckin' Rat. When activated, a spectral bagel appears in your hands, and you absolutely demolish it. Choose a number of creatures less than or equal to your Charisma modifier that you can see. For the next minute, you and the chosen creatures gain advantage on all saving throws, you gain +1 to your AC, and you cannot be surprised. The first time you or any of the chosen creatures fail a death saving throw that would bring you to three total failures, reroll that death saving throw.
*A Note on Wild Cunning
The spell Wild Cunning, while a fantastic spell that feels very in line with the teachings of The Infinite Rat, is still (at the time this subclass was created) an Unearthed Arcana spell. If you or your DM do not wish to "fuck with" Unearthed Arcana in your campaign, instead take Speak With Animals as a first level spell for your Expanded Spell List.
This warlock patron subclass is based on the wonderful story of Brian Murphy's Kugrash on CollegeHumor's Dimension 20, as DM'd by the talented Brennan Lee Mulligan. The creator does not claim, nor could they ever hope to claim, any of the intellectual property that The Infinite Rat is based on. They would, however, like Murph, Brennan, or any other cast member of Dimension 20 who may read this, to know that, were they ever to want to fuck around in a dungeon with some dragons some time, they need only hit them up.