DELVING FOR DUMMIES

Waterdhavien scholars recently unearthed a manuscript penned by the infamous Jayne Du'val, a College of Whispers bard, writer, womanizer, and all-around bastard. Included in his manuscript was a list of maxims, rules, and suggestions for other adventurers, with additional comments penned by a different hand.

Jayne's Maxims for Adventuring

• Do not split the party.

• Always wear protection. Why did you have to say it like that?

• Do not tempt fate. It can hear you, and it loves irony.

• There are no foolproof plans, only unimaginative planners.

• Look before you leap. Better yet, let someone else leap first and watch what happens to them.

• When in doubt, send the barbarian first.

• Never underestimate kobolds on their home turf.

• There is never just one goblin.

• For every talking sword, a dozen weapons of comparable power exist out there that don’t come with smart-ass commentary and their own agenda. Ask yourself: Is it really worth it?

• There is no such thing as unguarded, unclaimed treasure. If there is, it doesn’t stay that way for long. There are no exceptions.

• Cursed Items happen. If a weapon or article looks a bit more sinister than other ones you’ve seen before, let somebody else try it out first.

• Knowledge can be dangerous, no matter what the wizard says.

• Never read anything you find in a dungeon, demonic temple, or insurance office out loud.

• It’s considered poor form to insult the sphinx’s riddle after correctly guessing it. About as poor form as it is for the sphinx to eviscerate you after a correct guess, apparently.

• The Fey give nothing for free. Just because you don’t know the price doesn’t mean you won’t have to pay it.

• Just because it looks clear doesn’t mean it is.

• A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath’s back is turned, stab it in the neck.

• Don’t burn bridges. You may have to retreat across them later.

• Do not fuck with your White Mage. Sooner or later, your life will be in their hands.

• Never assume that because something has stood for thousands of years against wind, rain, and the infrequent apocalypse, that it will not suddenly collapse from a stiff breeze the second you stand underneath it.

• The world is richer when you turn enemies into friends, but that’s not necessarily the same as you being richer.

• Barbarians can open locks too. Their thieves’ tools are just a bit bigger.

• If your main plan involves stealth, you had better have a backup plan that doesn’t.

• Beware Fairies bearing gifts.

• Assume everyone and everything is out to get you. You’ll rarely be disappointed.

• What happens in the dungeon stays in the dungeon.

• There is an inherent difference between Demon worship and Devil worship. Always figure out which kind of cult you’re dealing with before engaging. Yea, Devil Worshipers have way better lawyers.

• Don’t call the Archfey “fairies” where they can hear you.

• If you come across a fountain or pool, toss a copper in before you take a drink. It’s a small price to pay, and it could save your life.

• Sometimes a chest is just a chest, but don’t bet on it.

• Never do anything for free so long as there’s someone left to pay you.

• Necessity is the mother of deception. I thought your mother’s name was Agnes.

• Nobody carves statues of frightened adventurers. If you see one, keep your eyes shut and your ears open.

• Don’t poke skeletons. Smashing works best.

• Always remember the adventurer’s creed: no job is too small, and no fee is too large.

• It’s not “grave robbing” if the corpses fight back. That depends on the judge, apparently.

• Keep a few gemstones in your pocket. A hungry Xorn is a helpful Xorn.

• Prayer is not a plan, and Hope is not a strategy, no matter what the Cleric says. Oh, ye of little faith…

• Honesty is only the best policy when you don’t have a good liar around.

• Before opening the sarcophagus, light a torch.

• Traps mean there is something worth protecting. If the traps still work, the loot’s still there.

• If it seems too easy, it likely won’t be for long.

• Do not trust attractive women in dungeons.* Do not trust attractive men in dungeons.

• Do not trust women with your coin pouch. EVER. Dammit, Jayne, it was one time!

• Before rushing to save the helpless damsel or crying child, take a moment to consider how they got past the traps, puzzles, and hordes of flesh eating monsters to find themselves in their current predicament. Skepticism is highly encouraged.

• When presented with a locked door, knock before you Knock.

• When presented with a door, check that it’s locked before you pull all the levers in the room.

• Glowing things that don’t do anything when poked by a wooden pole might still do something if poked by a finger.

• Always wear gloves when handling strange objects.

• Consider all objects removed from dungeons “strange” until proven otherwise (thoroughly).

• Labels like Good and Evil can be very misleading, as they don’t always apply to your current situation in the way you’d expect.

• Always ask permission before walking past a statue. It never hurts to be polite. With how infrequently you manage it, Jayne, I figured it was agony for you.

• Don’t bother killing a Lich. They just come back angrier.

• You’d be surprised at how many things in a dungeon are actually edible. That doesn’t make it a good idea to put anything from a dungeon in your mouth besides what you brought in with you.

• Never interrupt anything willing to tell you a story.

• Runic Circles can be very good, very bad, or very boring. Unfortunately, it usually takes an intelligent being to determine this. Try to make sure your friend goes first.

• Make offerings at any dais or altar you find and cannot identify. Unless you serve a jealous god, and they like to spy on you.

• You cannot compensate for a lack of skill with enthusiasm, no matter what the barbarian says.

• Always check behind tapestries and drapes. Similarly, always check beneath rugs. Do this with a 10-foot pole, in case you actually find something.

• A spear or quarterstaff is not a proper substitute for a 10-foot pole.

• 10 feet should be considered an absolute minimum for a poking stick. If you can do it from the next room, all the better.

• Angels, Metallic Dragons, and Sphinxes are generally Good. That does NOT automatically make them nice, friendly, or on your side. Did you ever stop to think “Maybe it’s me?”

• Don’t mess with fungi. Yes, most is harmless and some can be eaten. Other types eject spores that can drive you mad, warp your flesh, or kill you inside of a day.

• If you find something powerful intentionally imprisoned in a dungeon, there is probably something worse that put it in there. If that thing isn’t gone, you should be.

• There is ALWAYS a bigger fish.

• Blackmail is never a long-term solution.

• Paranoia is underrated. In many cases, it’s justified. In some, it’s even prudent.

• If there’s a shapeshifter around, be extra careful about rule #1, and be suspicious of everyone you meet. Even especially when its somebody you know.

• There is no such thing as overkill. There is only “Enough Kill” and “Keep Hitting It”.

• If you can do it, your enemies can too. Plan accordingly.

• Pillage, then burn.

• You can indeed put a price on life, no matter what the druid says. Just ask the rogue; he’ll give you the current rates.

• If violence wasn’t your last resort, you didn’t resort to enough of it.

• Mockery and Derision have their place. Usually after the corpse stops twitching.

• Mutilating a corpse is crass. Disintegrating or incinerating a corpse is practical.

• It’s not theft if they were dead before you took it. Or shortly enough thereafter.

• Bravery and Stupidity can look awfully similar in practice. Only to you, Jayne.

• Sometimes the only way out is through. Through the wall.

• A “Mad Wizard” is someone who never stopped to ask: “What’s the worst that can happen?”

  2

  JAYNE'S ADVENTURING MAXIMS

• Do unto others.

• Friendly fire still burns just as hot. I said I was sorry.

• Your name is in the mouth of others. Be sure it has teeth.

• Gravity is a harsh mistress.

• The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster.

• Don’t be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.

• The enemy of my enemy is my enemy’s enemy. No more, no less.

• A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you’ll go.

• Don’t tell the help what happened to their predecessors. It’s bad for morale.* If you’re leaving tracks, you’re being followed.

• “They’ll never expect this,” is code for “I want to try something stupid.”

• If it’s stupid and it works, it’s still stupid and you’re lucky. You’re just upset that my plan succeeded and yours didn’t.

• The size of the reward is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it.

• Never trust anything with scales.

• Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it.

• The information you’ve got is never the information you want.

• Don’t fight fire with fire. It probably has immunity. That one’s aimed at me, isn’t it?

• The best way to win a one-on-one fight is to be the third one to arrive.

• The pen is mightiest when it’s writing an order for more swords.

• An ounce of diplomacy is worth a gallon of violence. Luckily, violence is easy to come by.

• Two wrongs are probably not going to be enough.

• Don’t use big spells in small rooms.

• Negotiating from a position of strength doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also negotiate from a position near the exit.

• Remember, if things go bad, you don’t really have to outrun the monster. You just need to outrun the dwarf.

• Never pay in advance.

• Always insist on being paid in advance.

• Hypocrisy is not a sin, it’s merely a sensible double standard.

• Those who live in glass houses are never the ones you want to see shirtless.

• A kind word and a big stick will get you a lot further than just a kind word.

• Failure is not an option – It is mandatory. The option is whether or not you let failure be the last thing you do.

• Always endeavor to exceed expectations. Especially those of your enemies.